“My friends say you’re so cheap. Yeah, I have a 3 million dollar house. Suck my dick.” ~ A-List Financial Advice from D-Lister Kathy Griffin

The above title is a direct quote from Kathy Griffin. In one of my favorite clips, Kathy is talking sound financial advice at the Learning Annex. Here is basically what she says:

“I’m really good with money. I have really good financial advice too. First of all, I’m frugal. Let people call you cheap all day. Who gives a shit? My friends say you’re so cheap. Yeah, I have a 3 million dollar house. Suck my dick. Be serious with your money. It’s very, very serious. If you’re a woman, it’s so going to go away any minute. You never know. I mean, I’m 31 and a half and I could so lose the parts soon. You know what I so don’t buy into? When artists are like, I’m an artist. I don’t do the business part. I don’t think about that. You’re an idiot. Learn it. Learn how to balance your fucken’ check book, get a pension, get an IRA account. Yeah, it’s very much part of your job.”

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when we think of Kathy Griffin? Gays? Well, yes. However, there’s more to Kathy than just throngs of no-body-fat men in hot pants. She is a believer in financial fluency. If you’re a comedian, a wannabe artist, or a hopeful creative type, you should pay attention.

We’ve all been brainwashed with the idea that the artist needs to suffer. Aren’t you sick of that image yet? Aren’t you sick of the blissed out, beatnik poet, high on heroin, bordering on homeless, but revered for his talent by his peers? Who cares if you’re revered by your peers if you actually have to sleep on one! (Peer vs. pier – get it! Ha, Ha!)

Here’s a news flash – you don’t need to starve to be an artist. There’s only so much glamor in poverty. In the end, you’ll create more and you’ll serve your audience better, if you can eat and pay your bills.

So, Kathy talks about a couple of things. She talks about needing to pay attention to the BUSINESS word in show business. She talks about quite simply, “learning to balance a check book” at its most basic level. You have got to do these things if you want to survive and thrive with an unconventional career.

The talk is easy. I can preach this all day, but lord knows I have the hardest time doing it. I have daydreams about a pile of money coming in so that I can wash away my debt. I constantly say to myself, “If I can just book one more thing…I could pay this off or get my head above water or start saving, etc, etc.” One thing that I’ve realized through years of daydreaming is that you can’t bet on tomorrow. You have to do the small stuff, the hard stuff, today.

Small Stuff that Will Lead to Big Financial Stuff if You Start Doing it Now:

Taking a Lover is NOT a Way to Pay Your Bills!
Get over yourself, dickweed! No one should pay your bills, but you. I don’t care if you have a vagina and think you are God’s gift to the male species or if you have a penis and think you are God’s gift to the comedy world. It was annoying when you took your fries off of everyone else’s plate at the lunch table in high school and it’s still annoying now. You are an artist, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t also earn a living. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard comedians and others say, “Well, my partner is just supporting me until I get that big break.” EWWWWW. I hate to break it to you, but no one has respect for you. They may not have respect for you behind your back or they may not want to tell you because, well, who the hell would want to get involved with you and your big head? Sure, everyone needs help from time to time. Sure, I’ve leaned on my partner. However, I am highly aware that it’s not cute for me to write sketches all day while my lover pays the bills. I’m telling you, he or she will make you regret it. Maybe not right away, but eventually it will come back and bite you. So, get a job. Sure, you’ll have to work harder to fit it all in, but think of the self esteem you’ll gain in exchange.

Do NOT Finance that Feature Film on Your Credit Card
Look, maybe you’re the next Spike Lee, but maybe you’re not! So, don’t take that financial risk with your first big idea. Cameras and editing equipment are cheap now. Create some solid and frugal, but BRILLIANT shorts that will build your reputation. Then – after several years – when you’re ready to make the big leap, people will undoubtedly finance you or get crafty and start a kickstarter fund.

Get Out of Debt and Build Your Credit
Okay, no one who does anything fun for a living wants to talk about this, BUT the bottom line is – your credit matters. It will effect everything you do. So, fix it if it sucks or don’t even go down the debt alley if you can avoid it. If you’re already there already – try one of those famous debt pay down methods. (Get Rich Slowly Site) A lot of financial advisers will tell you to pay off your big debt first and then work your way down to your smaller debts. I don’t think this method works for creative types because you’re libel to get discouraged if your income shrinks and you can’t make those big payments to your big debt. Then you’ll stop entirely and the collection sharks will start circling. A better way – pay off the small stuff first. Create a list of all your debts from smallest to largest. Pay the bare minimum to all of them except the smallest at the top of the list. The smallest debt you want to pay the most to until it’s gone. If you do this, you’ll be paid down in no time. And just think of how you’ve saved yourself from becoming another MC Hammer once the real money starts rolling in.

Find a Way to Get Health Insurance
Find a way. Move to Canada. I don’t care what you have to do, but do it. A lot of individual states have great programs for freelancers and people who “show” less income. Keep searching until you find something you can afford. You MUST do this. You are one major accident away from becoming shackled to a cubicle for life. So, get insured. It will be the best thing you ever did. Plus, no one wants to look at a toothless actor or a writer with rickets for all that long.

Use the VIABLE Skills that You Have and Start a Side Business
Don’t quit your dayjob. Even though this seems likes the blog that encourages screaming at your boss and burning your briefcase in a fit of rage, it is not. What I really encourage is PLANNING YOUR ESCAPE. A lot of the time that happens by thinking about skills you ALREADY HAVE that could make you some money away from work and on your own terms. I had a roommate once who had a love of design and who worked on products for his 9 to 5 job. On the side he created a bag business. Eventually, it became his full time living. If you love to workout, get certified as a personal trainer and teach a couple of classes per week. Eventually, you may be able to leave your day job and free up your schedule for auditions and creative work because you got certified. I had another friend who was a great dog walker and a good comedian. She started walking the dogs while waiting tables AND doing stand up. Very quickly, there was no more waiting tables. She had a thriving dog walking business. Now it’s all stand up. The idea is to plan your eventual escape and to make it gradual with transition jobs and money making small businesses in place. However, make sure the skill you decide to exploit is actually something that people want. I had a friend say to me once, “I’m a really good listener. Do you think people will pay me for that?” Ah, no. In fact, I’m sorry I even heard you. Now I have to live with having heard that stupidity out loud. Good God.

As promised, below is the Kathy vid. If you’re in the UK, you can’t see it because there’s some weird free-video-embargo happening across the internet, which is lame. But, don’t worry, you have better pubs than us and that should make up for it. I’ve put this together for you instead. If you like what you’re reading, tell a friend about the site and subscribe.

Courtesy of Coffee and Showbiz